Difference of Hearing and Listening
Updated: Jun 30, 2021
Reflecting on your own romantic relationship, how many times do you remember your
partner responding to your question “Did you hear me”? with “Yes, of course I heard
you”. You may respond by saying “Well then, what did I say?” Your partner may sound
like a parrot and reflect your exact words. But what does that really mean?
Today I would like to discuss the difference between hearing and listening in
relationships. The analogy that I typically use in counseling sessions when working with
couples is this: “Imagine you hear a loud sonic boom sound outside of your house” –
that’s an example of hearing; “Now you are curious where and what caused that loud
sounding boom, so you go outside to see if you could find the source” – that is listening.
When you tell your spouse that you hear him/her, you are basically saying that you
heard the sounds that were coming out of their mouth. However, if you say that you are
listening to them, that says “I not only heard the sound coming from your mouth, but I
understand what you are saying”. The desire and longing to be heard and understood
are two of the most common requests I receive from couples seeking counseling
services.
Here are some tools that may help your partner feel heard and understood:
Reflective Listening - Reflect what you “heard” your partner saying (like a parrot)using their same words
Understanding – Tell your partner what makes sense of what they said using YOUR own words
Check in with your partner to make sure they felt heard AND understood
Using various types of effective communication styles to help both partners feel heard
and understood, the comments received are usually, “Wow, I have not felt heard and
understood by (partner’s name) in years and it feels great!”
The issue comes when couples revert to their previous patterns and neglect using these
three simple steps. It is because our brain is structured to look for patterns, therefore it
is best to continue practicing these tools so they can be your brains “new” normal
pattern that it will be in search of. As the listening partner, it is important to push your
own agenda to the side so you can be present in what he/she is conveying. When you
feel challenged, ask our Almighty God for help as you work towards strengthening your
relationship with your partner.
