Loveless Marriage: Couples Therapy
Whether you’ve been married a day or decades, you may wonder if you are in a loveless marriage. You ask yourself, does he love me? Why does she not want to come close to me anymore? What caused this distance between us? I’m feeling alone in this marriage and when I approach him to go to counseling, he says that he’s not interested. Divorce does not come up, so what am I suppose to do? If this sounds like something you are currently experiencing, or have been for a while, you are not alone. Research studies have shown that many couples every day feel like they are unloved and are feeling frustrated. Let’s talk about the signs of a loveless marriage that may lead you to seek professional couples therapy.
Signs:
· Lack of intimacy (emotionally and sexually)
· Feeling stressed or unhappy
· Frequent intense arguments
· No more verbal or physical affection
· Seeking comfort from other people outside of the marriage
· Dreadful thoughts of spending any time together
· Regrets of getting married
This is a short list of a loveless marriage and there may be others. However, it is important to identify the signs as they are showing up in your marriage and address them with your partner. Express your concerns, desires, and needs about what is unfolding in your marriage. Provide emotional safety and space for your partner to share their thoughts and perspective with you. Focus on the goal of understanding the position your partner holds and the reasons why. Are there changes that need to be made and which ones are you each willing to do.
A loveless marriage causes psychological effects that manifest into various physiological adverse effects. Here are a few that you may relate to.
Psychological Effects:
· Sadness
· Confused
· Stressed
· Depressed
· Anxious
· Poor self-esteem
· Poor motivation
· Frustration
· Feeling hopeless
· Hurt
· Betrayal
· Decrease or increase in appetite
· Difficulty sleeping
Physiological Effects:
· Heart palpitation
· Upper GI discomfort
· Weakened immune system
· Physical pain
· Poor cardiac health
If you or your partner no longer want to put the effort towards positive changes in your marriage, identify helpful coping techniques that may result in increased peace and harmony in your home. Here are some suggestions of how to do that:
· Self-Care – exercise, healthy eating habits, tend to medical and dental needs, and engage in a sleep hygiene.
· Social interactions – spend time with family and friends; they are your support system
· Set Boundaries – Protect your emotional and mental health
· Co-Parenting – prioritize your children’s well-being. Maintain respect and cooperative co-parenting for their sake
· Personal Growth – Learning and growing as an individual can bring a sense of fulfillment and may even lead you to positive changes in your marriage
· Spiritual Support – Spend time attending to weekly services and join life groups within your faith community
· Communicate – share your feelings with your spouse
· Seek Professional Help – Consider marriage counseling or therapy. A trained therapist can help both partners explore the issues in your relationship and work on solutions together.
· Manage Your Expectations – Sometimes, you may need to work on adjusting your expectations if you consistently feel disappointed with the status of your relationship.
· Adapt and Accept – Understand your relational situation and accept that it may not be perfect.
Please remember that no marriage is perfect and requires constant work. What may be working for one couple may not be the solution for your relationship. It’s your personal decision if you choose to stay in a loveless marriage or pursue professional help through couples therapy. Seeking professional guidance may help you make that decision of whether to stay or leave. If you receive unsolicited advice from others around you, decide if that advice is best for your situation. Ultimately, you will be the one to make that difficult decision. This can be a very slow and challenging process, so be patient with yourself and your spouse as you work through the issues.
